Starting over…1 April 2021

The words spinning around in my head, struggling to move to my fingertips to flow into black and white. What a time! Not just the whole Covid circus, especially living in South Africa, but the deep ache in your belly, pain of loss, realisation, re-thinking, sorting and growing. With age comes wisdom apparently. I think I must be a late bloomer then, still waiting on that elusive wisdom, but maybe what I am is my own kind of wise, made up of my own stories, pain, laughter and life.

It is never easy to face your own demons, more so I think when you realise that by being kind and submissive, you were not helping people, you were getting yourself screwed over. Setting boundaries, tentative at first, cost me a few friends, which, looking back might not have been such a bad loss. The more assertive and selective you become with your energy and time, the more ties are broken. Family, especially, does not take kindly to you saying NO, or, ONLY ON MY TERMS, all of a sudden. Periods of stubborn silence, cut off from familiar patterns you were used to, leaves the heart and soul adrift. Do I go back to being the enabler and doormat, or do I stay and be good to myself. The answer, every time, will have to be: stay and be good to myself. Not the easiest option, but probably the healthiest option around, not just for me, but for everybody involved.

Facing up to your old patterns leave you unequipped to new relationships, scared between am-I-choosing-a-soul-that-needs-help or am I choosing from my new seat of power, albeit a bit shaky at the moment, still my seat of power? Time, I think, will tell, but for the moment, it is time for me, time to discover my old music again, time to discover new books, re-discover my love for writing and photography, finish my unfinished books, and of course, time to discover how much I love art and creating. Met the most awesome people on this new road of arting, Tamara, Effy, Melanie etc etc etc.

This is my time, my year and I am in my own seat, most of the time. May everyday be blessed with the will and strength to grow, stick to my guns, and explore and enjoy all the awesome sensual colourful pleasures of life, my life.